Life in the Mamacole household has calmed down a little since the headaches seem to be gone. Thanksgiving has come and gone.
The election is long over.
I have very little to complain about and I believe I have a bit of writer's block.
I wish I could say that it's just recently that I haven't been able to put thoughts together and sound interesting and funny. But I'm afraid it's been a really long while. And I've begun to bore myself.
So I'm taking a page from the sitcoms and throwing in a "retrospective" type post here. We'll go back and relive some of the better moments with Mamacole and perhaps that will keep the viewers engaged another couple of weeks.
One of my earliest posts was about scrubbing the kitchen floor. I think this might be my favorite post ever (has it been all downhill since July 2007?) My most commented on post was about mammograms. Although my laundry post garnered a lot of commentary too.
I'm starting to get cold feet on this whole "best-of" Mamacole thing. Now I'm not only bored, but embarrassed.
It's just a thinly veiled attempt to make a good first impression. Just in case I get any new readers. I don't want anyone to judge me on my recent posts.
Spend some time. Go back to some of my older stuff. There's some funny stuff back there!

Thanksgiving Misgivings

I woke this morning with a feeling of "free floating anxiety," a term coined by one of my best friends, who is now no longer with us. I was both tense and tired, as I realized how much there is left to do before the big holiday feast.

But I quickly thought of two things that I must repeat to myself all day.

1. The more tense I am, the more I seem to procrastinate and that in turn makes me more tense and worried. I must FIGHT this cycle and I must fight it all day. If I can break this, I will be able to get more done.

2. It is selfish to worry about what is on my plate, when others have so little. I am fortunate to have a big family who loves me, a big-enough house to host them all and a warm and generous husband to support me through it all. I have spent a lot of holidays over the years feeling sorry for myself. This is not the way to honor our fore-fathers and -mothers and it is not a way to show gratitude to our Creator. I will also fight this feeling and express gratitude in the form of enjoying my holiday and the time leading up to it.

Oh, there is one more thing: I am easily distracted by the computer and the phone. I will need to log off this sucker and turn the phone ringer off. I will call folks later, to wish them a happy holiday, when I have more time. Right now, I will focus on what I have to do, and try to enjoy the fact that I am able to do it.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you! Have a great one!

Limitations

The boy seems to be getting better, though not through medications. We see a chiropractor, whom I love and trust, but I don't think it's her either. What I do think is helping is this: I've been gradually removing pressure and stress from my son's life. Over the past week, with almost nothing to "worry" about, he has had zero headaches. Wait - there was one - a very short one that went away after a quick nap. But essentially, he has returned to the happy, confident 12 year old boy he'd been at the end of the summer.

So now the question is, how do we add back some of the stuff he's been missing, and still keep him healthy. I think I know the answer to that too. I think I've finally accepted this child's limitations. Attending seventh grade, staying organized and focused on 7 different classes each day, making his way home and through his homework is almost as much as he can do right now. I may not be able to add back the other stuff for a while. Or at least, only add one thing at a time. And that is OK.

He may also need some help with the social aspect of middle school as well. From what I hear, and I've had many many conversations about this over the past two weeks, seventh grade is the hardest grade in this school district for several reasons. Social pressure and changes are not the least of them. The transition from a nurturing single-teacher school day to several serious teachers, whom expect kids to be responsible on their own is another. The third is the actual workload. Although, without sounding too boastful, my boy has no trouble with the material. He's as bright as they come. And each of the 4 tutors he had here (the school district provides home instruction to students who miss an excessive amount of school. Who knew?) agreed with me. This is one smart boy. A great reader. Articulate, creative, curious, interested. He sees connections. He "gets it." So it's not the academics I'm worried about.

Last year we were worried that he didn't take enough responsibility. This year, he worries too much. He told me this week that I showed him how he "has to worry. Or things might go wrong." I said that? Yikes. That's another thing I've lifted off him this week.

What I've realized about my boy Jack is that, along with his limitations, this child has many outstanding talents as well. And once I can examine and accept both his talents and limitations, I can lighten up a little. I can truly love and respect him for who he is.

We all know about a mother's undying love and affection. But when the love and affection is mixed with worry and reminders of how to improve, I think a child can sense it. The better, truer love includes acceptance and respect for the whole person.

And that includes his limitations.

What's a mother to do?

My son's headaches were back again this week.

And now, on top of worrying about his health, worrying about how much it hurts, concern for how much school he's missed and what his grades look like, being persistent with doctors, insurance companies, and school administrators - on top of all that - I have to be worried about showing too much worry.

Several times this week, it was indicated to me, that the anxiety I'm feeling might actually negatively affect my son. That if he senses my anxiety, it might add to his own and this could be one of the triggers for the migraine.

So now I've got that to worry about.

All I gotta do, really, is just stop being me. Stop feeling nervous and worried and anxious and project pure peaceful serenity to my family. Maybe I could change the color of my eyes, too, while I'm at it.

Sheesh.

p.s. The picture was done by my son. The little caption says: "Hi. I'm Jack's Brain."

BARACK OBAMA ELECTED THE 44TH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!

Looks like Americans have chosen hope over fear. I couldn't be more grateful and satisfied. I have been waiting 8 years for this night.

This is an historic night for so many reasons.

Please read Arianna Huffington's words, which are so well constructed.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/arianna-huffington/obama-wins-why-all-americ_b_141159.html

Congratulations, Barack.

Congratulations America.

Give me a break

I don't want to give another direction. Or hold another hand. Or break up another fight. Or teach another thing. Or take candy away from anyone. Or read to anyone. I'm tired of listening to each child's dreams from last night or last week, or "one time, when I was really little." And I don't feel like looking at another picture, or lego guy, or bionicle. I'm sick of hearing "Scooby Doo" and "Sponge Bob" on the TV.

And I don't have anything left inside me to offer as comfort and respite to another person.

I spent the majority of this week taking care of my 12 year old son who lately suffers from unbearable and lengthy migraine headaches. All I can do for him is pump him with Ibuprofen every 4 hours, rub his back gently and then basically leave him alone in the dark in his room. I'm dealing with doctors and school administrators to try to get him some tutoring to help him catch up on all the school he's missed over the past 3 weeks.

Add to that the enormous pressure of Halloween. Not for my youngest. She's easy. And not for the oldest, he was in too much pain to care one way or the other about his costume, (although, I must say, on Monday, before the headache really kicked in, he was fretting quite a bit about how his dracula wig, "looked like anime hair.")

But mostly, Halloween brings stress in the form of what my middle child will wear. This year she had her costume all picked out for the past 2 months. When I say picked out, though, I mean in her head. She wanted to be a "teen witch" and had seen the costume in a catalog. We'd shopped for the wig (hot pink) and witch hat weeks ago. She had the tights and the gloves. What was missing was the clothes. And I was in charge of that. I failed miserably.

This child had to dress up for Halloween four times this week. That meant four opportunities for her to torture me and remind me of my failures. I don't know how I remained so calm. But I did. And for the most part, and compared to how things have been in the past, so did she. As you can see she was adorable.

Last night was the 2-hours long trick or treat jaunt that is kid heaven, and that is the bane of my life. I HATE trick-or-treating. I hate the idea of it. (Begging door-to-door for treats! We should be asking for votes for Obama if we're going to beg). I hate feeling envious of everyone's beautiful front porches. And I hate walking around behind a bunch of kids, calling, "remember to say Thank You!" every 5 minutes. And I HATE the candy afterwards. It makes the kids greedy and hyper and sneaky. And this is why today was the worst.

Add to that the fact that my husband has to work on Saturdays again. Things are tight. It seems he needs to work more to get the same amount of money. But I need my Saturdays, man. I need them. I need to get out and get away from the kids and be with my peeps or myself or my yoga teacher. I need to get away, man. And when I don't, I just feel like I'm going to scream.

So here I am hiding out in my bedroom. Today I dealt with birthday parties, homework, housecleaning (as a family) and I made dinner. I sat peacefully through dinner. But after about 20 minutes, when all the kids were swapping dream stories with their dad. And the volume was getting louder and louder, I realized I had to GET OUT. And I did. And I feel much much better already.

I know how important it is to do things for myself. I know this. I just don't seem to have the time any more. There is just so much to do. Three kids. School activities. Schoolwork. Parent organizations and committees. After school activities. Housework, shopping, cooking, household finances, trying to make ends meet! All of these things have to get done EVERY day. Add to that a sick child who has to stay home from school, and I'm over my limit. I've just gotta get a couple of hours of "me time" every day.

Or I'm sure I will explode.

My grandmother's pizza

One of my favorite local websites, NorthforkParents.com, is hosting a contest. In exchange for a "food memory", you get a chance to win 4 tickets to Baystreet Theater Kidstreet Production. A food memory simply retells some of your best and worst food experiences.

I thought I might share mine here. And if my story conjures up memories of your own, and you're a North Fork local, please hop over to NorthForkParents, and join the fun!

*****

My grandmother, "Nana Fanelli," was a wonderful cook. As a kid, my hands down favorite was her pizza. Nana's crust was home made and fresh and thick and bready. She used to slice the mozzarella, not grate it. And her sauce was made from the tomatoes she grew in her College Point, Queens garden. Add to that fresh basil, oregano, grated Parmesan and the best olive oil she could afford.

The pizza would be made well ahead of time, and would be sitting, still in the pizza pan, when we arrived at her house for a visit. She would always be waiting to feed us, and we were always too late for her liking. The moment we all piled into the tiny kitchen, Nana would slice the pizza up, with a pair of scissors, so she didn't "make marks in the pan." Even as a child I found this ironic, since her pans were as scratched and cut and worn-out as her own hands! But the picture of her thick, rough hands, using the scissor to snip a piece of the pizza for me to sample, is etched in my memory.

My mother cajoled the "recipe" from her while Nana was in her eighties and mom made it for us after Nana became to tired to do it herself. (Mom uses scissors too!) In recent years, I have memorized the recipe myself and I make it regularly for my kids. My youngest tells me, "The only pizza I like, mommy, is yours!"

I can feel Nana Fanelli smiling from above.

My new addiction

I've had some trying times these last weeks.

I'm tired, worn out, not sure how to go on. I knew I needed something to get me going again. I went to yoga. It was nice, and hard work, but that wasn't it. I went to a Jazzercise class. It was even harder. Still not enough.

I've been eating everything I can find. I've talked with friends. Went for walks. Listened to my iPod. Nothing was really helping.

I thought it might be time to write, but I am too damn tired to concentrate. Sigh... maybe I need to get in touch with my therapist again...

But no. Tonight I found my salvation. I found out you can watch full episodes of The Daily Show online- just one day after they air!

I know I'm VERY slow on the uptake. I know it's been around for years. But I don't have cable. I have never watched a show - snippets on YouTube here and there. But never a full episode.

Jon Stewart, where have you been all my life?

http://www.thedailyshow.com/full-episodes/index.jhtml?episodeId=188632

Spongebob Square Candidate

As I sit here and watch what they are calling a "debate", I am frustrated to no end about how much finger pointing is going on. No one actually answers a question, nor can anyone actually tell us how they themselves feel about a thing, because the focus is on what the other guy has done or has said or what they are responsible for. I'm so frustrated that I keep talking over the answers and making observations about the candidates' choice of necktie. My 12-year-old son just asked me, "Do you want to watch Spongebob?"

"I think we are watching Spongebob, Jack."

I would say this is a freaking joke, if it weren't so serious. Americans are asking intelligent, observant questions. And these men are giving us the same rhetoric of six months ago. Their platforms haven't changed at all, despite how deeply and quickly our economy has tanked.

And they just keep blaming the other and telling us what "he" did wrong and what stupid and naive thing "he" is saying. They don't even answer the questions!

"It's his fault!"

"No. HE did it."

Can't either of them just be a leader already? Can't they say something that they feel strongly and passionately about in a frank way withOUT going after the opponent's position. Their answers are repetitive, we've heard them before. Once a question is put to the candidates, they dance around like Patrick and Spongebob through the valley of doom.

Don't get me wrong, I still know who I am voting for. I am still pleased that George W. Bush will finally NOT be our president. And I still think I know which is the lesser of two evils.

But, come on. Even the better candidate is not the best candidate. I am longing for a real leader. These are historic times. We need an historic leader.

Mrs. Mager

"When I first got off the bus I felt shy

but I knew I had the nicest teacher in the school. "

-Isabella Burke

on the first day of 2nd Grade

September, 2007

Jen Mager, Jen Ogden, Mrs. Mager, Ms. Ogden

How can she be gone when she was so present?

She warmed our school

our church

our community

with her smile
and her light.

Everyone she touched felt

special

fortunate

loved.

And now we are

lonely, sad and equally at a loss.

"I can't think of her not alive, mommy..."

No one can.

(See Newsday article)

Politicole

Look, the truth is that I am a very political person and I am having such a hard time keeping my opinions to myself. I know that lots of people think that religion and politics are off limits in conversation, and I try to respect that as much as possible. These are personal feelings, especially in the case of religion. On the other hand, I think the conversations need to be had. We need to be informed and we need to know what each other is thinking. Even if we don't agree.

Well, at least I need to converse about it. The following was written by Eve Ensler. I have a tremendous amount of respect and admiration for her, so most of her words are meaningful to me. These in particular, though, really articulate all that disturbs me most about Governor Palin. Yes it is definitely one person's opinion. But it is my opinion too.

Drill, Drill, Drill

I am having Sarah Palin nightmares. I dreamt last night that she was a member of a club where they rode snowmobiles and wore the claws of drowned and starved polar bears around their necks. I have a particular thing for Polar Bears. Maybe it's their snowy whiteness or their bigness or the fact that they live in the arctic or that I have never seen one in person or touched one. Maybe it is the fact that they live so comfortably on ice. Whatever it is, I need the polar bears.I don't like raging at women.

I am a Feminist and have spent my life trying to build community, help empower women and stop violence against them. It is hard to write about Sarah Palin. This is why the Sarah Palin choice was all the more insidious and cynical. The people who made this choice count on the goodness and solidarity of Feminists.But everything Sarah Palin believes in and practices is antithetical to Feminism which for me is part of one story -- connected to saving the earth, ending racism, empowering women, giving young girls options, opening our minds, deepening tolerance, and ending violence and war.I believe that the McCain/Palin ticket is one of the most dangerous choices of my lifetime, and should this country chose those candidates the fall-out may be so great, the destruction so vast in so many areas that America may never recover. But what is equally disturbing is the impact that duo would have on the rest of the world. Unfortunately, this is not a joke. In my lifetime I have seen the clownish, the inept, the bizarre be elected to the presidency with regularity.

Sarah Palin does not believe in evolution. I take this as a metaphor. In her world and the world of Fundamentalists nothing changes or gets better or evolves. She does not believe in global warming. The melting of the arctic, the storms that are destroying our cities, the pollution and rise of cancers, are all part of God's plan. She is fighting to take the polar bears off the endangered species list. The earth, in Palin's view, is here to be taken and plundered. The wolves and the bears are here to be shot and plundered. The oil is here to be taken and plundered. Iraq is here to be taken and plundered. As she said herself of the Iraqi war, "It was a task from God."

Sarah Palin does not believe in abortion. She does not believe women who are raped and incested and ripped open against their will should have a right to determine whether they have their rapist's baby or not.

She obviously does not believe in sex education or birth control. I imagine her daughter was practicing abstinence and we know how many babies that makes.

Sarah Palin does not much believe in thinking. From what I gather she has tried to ban books from the library, has a tendency to dispense with people who think independently. She cannot tolerate an environment of ambiguity and difference. This is a woman who could and might very well be the next president of the United States. She would govern one of the most diverse populations on the earth.

Sarah believes in guns. She has her own custom Austrian hunting rifle. She has been known to kill 40 caribou at a clip. She has shot hundreds of wolves from the air.

Sarah believes in God. That is of course her right, her private right. But when God and Guns come together in the public sector, when war is declared in God's name, when the rights of women are denied in his name, that is the end of separation of church and state and the undoing of everything America has ever tried to be.

I write to my sisters. I write because I believe we hold this election in our hands. This vote is a vote that will determine the future not just of the U.S., but of the planet. It will determine whether we create policies to save the earth or make it forever uninhabitable for humans. It will determine whether we move towards dialogue and diplomacy in the world or whether we escalate violence through invasion, undermining and attack. It will determine whether we go for oil, strip mining, coal burning or invest our money in alternatives that will free us from dependency and destruction. It will determine if money gets spent on education and healthcare or whether we build more and more methods of killing. It will determine whether America is a free open tolerant society or a closed place of fear, fundamentalism and aggression.

If the Polar Bears don't move you to go and do everything in your power to get Obama elected then consider the chant that filled the hall after Palin spoke at the RNC, "Drill Baby Drill." I think of teeth when I think of drills. I think of rape. I think of destruction. I think of domination. I think of military exercises that force mindless repetition, emptying the brain of analysis, doubt, ambiguity or dissent. I think of pain.Do we want a future of drilling? More holes in the ozone, in the floor of the sea, more holes in our thinking, in the trust between nations and peoples, more holes in the fabric of this precious thing we call life?

Eve Ensler September 5, 2008

Procrastination Temptation

I have so much to clean up. So much to organize. I am actually, as I type, knee deep in papers that I've been going through. Well, actually they're in the other room, the piles of crap, and I came in here to escape. And procrastinate.

The computer is such a distraction for me. It's like a Siren, calling me into the virtual abyss, keeping me from being productive and completing projects. It calls me like the TV used to call me before I cancelled my cable subscription. Now, with only 15 or so channels, it's not so tempting. But this Internet. This computer - oh how I drown in its layers. How it cradles my mind, protecting me from my real life and all that I am supposed to be doing. Ahh sweet surrender...

I need to get away from it now. I need to get back to my real life. But I've always been bad at resisting temptation and I've always enjoyed a really great escape. The pull is strong and there are so many unread emails. Just 5 more minutes...

I am sitting at a table and across from me is a large mirror. I just looked up and caught sight of myself, and I didn't entirely like what I saw. My eyes are red and tired-looking and I look drunk with virtual information and disheveled from the fight. And I can actually see what I have become, having given in to the tempting escape once again. I feel like a junkie.

I have to go. I really really have to go now. Please don't ask me to stay any longer. Please...

Sleepless in Minneapolis

I am so sick over this fiasco of a Republican National Convention, I can hardly talk about it. Ever since last Friday's announcement about Sarah Palin, my stomach has been in knots. I started writing about how great it was that the Republicans have finally had to admit how everyone makes mistakes. What with Sarah Palin's expectant daughter, Cindy McCain's former addiction to pain killers and the fact that McCain met Cindy while he was married to his first wife, they have covered all the scandals all at once. I felt smug and satisfied.

But then, after listening to last night's beatings of Obama, I couldn't sleep. Palin is the perfect cheerleader for their team. She's cute. She's smart. She's feisty. And she's mean! And now, watching McCain's speech... fight fight fight... USA! USA! My stomach continues to turn.

This isn't a pep rally, you know? This is the next presidential election. I was telling the kids at dinner that I had to stay up to watch McCain's speech and my youngest said, "So many speeches! Is this really so important?" And I had to explain to my children how very important this election is.

I've been thinking about it all day. Whomever is elected in November will most likely be president when I send my first two kids to college. This is the person who will bring about an end to the war in Iraq, or bring additional wars in Iran and maybe Russia. The decisions this person makes will steer our economy either deeper into a recession or back out into the light. There is so much at stake.

As I watched the beautifully portrayed biographical video about McCain, I had this creepy feeling in my gut. The Republicans don't want to lose this election. They have lots at stake too. They have the best strategists working for them. (Let's face it - they got W re-elected in 2004). They seemed to know that Sarah Palin was just what this campaign needed.

What if they win? What if McCain and Palin win??

Shit. I need a Tylenol PM.

You Go, Girl

Did you catch Hillary's speech last night?

Such dignity, such grace and such passion. She really is a leader. We haven't seen the last of her, I am sure of it.

Check it out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=268ncnoitEc

The Bitch List

Things That Suck right now

• My challenging daughter is ... challenging me (again).
• I was left out of a family gathering, rather obviously. And my husband was not.
• I still have sand, salt and sunscreen all over me from the beach. I'm the only one who actually wants to shower, but I haven't been able to get into a bathroom yet.
• We only have two bathrooms.
• I spent the entire day with an additional child and made sure everything was set for a perfect summer day for all four of them. And my challenging daughter is still crying.
• I have a terrible stiff neck/back. And I think it was caused by a very long phone conversation where I held the phone between my ear and shoulder.
• The chiropractor told me this morning that I am susceptible to stiff necks and that I shouldn't talk that long on the phone any more.
• Obama is probably not going to pick a woman as his running mate.
• I was just nasty to my youngest child - and she is so sweet. She doesn't deserve it.
• I am still taking care of the children (it is 10:23 PM) and I have NO patience for them any more, so it's not going so well. Oh, and my husband is laying in bed watching TV. I guess he's tired after the family party he was hanging out at (without me or the kids).
• I sound so bitter. I hate that.

Highlights

The summer is cruising and we've been living it to the fullest. I wanted to post a couple of pictures, since that is the one thing I have been organized enough to do: Photograph like crazy!


This one is of the girls at the Jamesport Fireman's Fair. They were brave enough to try almost everything, they got along with each other (their brother was staying at the grandfolks' house), AND no one threw up. So that's good...


This is a picture from the week my sister and niece stayed with us. What a gift that was! Baby and I played with the hose in the backyard one very hot afternoon. We did a little Long Island water tasting together.

One of our favorite spots: Cupsogue County Park at one of the best times of the day: Sunset. We've been there 4 times already this summer!

After a morning dip in the icy waters at York Beach, Maine. (Did I just post a picture of myself in a bathing suit? Wow. I must be hitting that middle-aged-over-confident woman stage of my life.)

Jack took this great photo of a Swallow Tail butterfly on our butterfly bush. He visited frequently for a couple of days, but now he seems to be gone.

Standing at the top of the world. Or at least atop the Hudson Valley. This was our Catskill camping trip with cousins and Pop. We took this hike right from the campground at North-South Lake. It's called the "escarpment trail". You can see why. We watched a huge thunderstorm roll in - from above!

Jack and his two best buddies, they're twins, if you can believe it, on his 12th birthday. The guys went out kayaking down Richmond creek and took themselves to the local beach to swim. Aside from dad trailing a ways behind on his Sunfish, they boys were all on their own. They grow up so fast!!

One of the biggest highlights of summer 2008: Baby Philip was born on August 13 -to one of my dearest and oldest friends. She has been waiting a long time for him and this is such a happy occasion. He looks exactly like his mommy too - what an added perk!

The Challenge

I had a tough time yesterday with my middle child. Sometimes I call her my "high maintenance" child. Or my emotional child. Or intense. Or, as my sister calls it, my Challenge.

Two nights ago there was trouble. This child was told it was lights out and she didn't agree. She didn't feel tired, she told me, and wanted to play Barbies. I told her no. And Miss Challenge decided to pitch a fit (an expression that my good friend from western NY uses all the time. I just love the old-fashioned feel of it.) An all out, smack down, drag out temper tantrum. Just like my daughter, this fit was loud. It was insistent. It was wild.

When I said my child was intense, I meant that in a good way. Her feelings run deep and her sense of the world is sophisticated. I'll never forget once when she was about 3. It was a crisp fall day and the wind was blowing and my youngest was still a nursing infant and I was suffering from post-partum depression. And my intense daughter looked outside the window and said, "Boy. It sure is a windy fall day, mommy. It is really fall now!" And I just started to cry and the beautiful innocence of her observation. And she looked at me and asked me, "Don't you like the fall, mommy?" And I just hugged and hugged her.

She uses the word really freely and often. And I think that's because regular adjectives just don't convey her feelings. I remember when she was even younger and she'd tell us, "I'm starving!" Not hungry, mind you, but staaarrving.

The tantrums came later and they have only gotten worse. The child does not do well with the word "No" in any form and she makes sure we know how she feels. This recent one was a doozy, though. And it went on and on. We told her to stop. We brought her downstairs (so she wouldn't disturb the other kids trying to sleep. She ran right back upstairs). We threatened her. "If you don't' stop, you will not sleep over gram and pop's tomorrow." She didn't care. We tried to ignore it.

Obviously it finally ended. It always does. But there were books and clothes and blankets strewn all over the floor and consequences to follow up on. I'd decided to send her brother and sister to their grandparents' instead. If they'd all stayed home together, the middle child would not have minded so much. So I woke up next morning feeling hungover and very upset and called my folks to tell them the news. I also had to cancel a plan we had at a friends house for that night. And I knew that an entire day lay ahead of me filled with an angry and disappointed and intense child. Just me and her and her consequences. And I was dreading it.

But guess what, it was OK. Let me tell you, she was mad at first. Then she thought she'd be able to talk me into doing it her way. ("I'll clean everything up and say sorry and then we'll just pretend it didn't happen!") But I felt I needed to stick to what I'd said. Then she started to cry and wail and say terrible things about me. That's when I left her alone. When my dad came to pick up the other two she wouldn't come out from under the covers of her bed. And she stayed quietly in there pouting for another 45 minutes or so. Then I went to her and we talked. And she finally, thankfully, felt sorry. She's amazingly aware of how she feels and what she does and we were able to talk a little about what led to the fit. But mostly we talked about the consequence and how much it stunk and how it wasn't worth the whole tantrum to have to stay home alone all day and help mommy clean.

I don't know how you feel about this kind of thing. I'm guessing, though, that I'm comfortable and confident about what I did, based on the fact that I've retold it here. I'm often reluctant to tell stories of my "Challenge" because I don't know how it will sound to anyone not involved. But I think I needed to affirm to myself that I did indeed do the right thing and that I overcame this particular challenge, anyway. I'm interested to know what you think, though. I really am.

Sometimes, when I can look ahead about 10 years, I think that this child is going to be something big. She's so strong willed and so complex. As a woman, she'll never be pushed around and she'll probably do great things. But as my 10-year-old daughter, she's tough. As the mom in the children's book Olivia says, she wears me out. But I love her anyway.

She loves me anyway, too.

Life

I don't know about you, but all this life is good/ I'm so lucky crap is getting a little annoying.

As hard as I try to look on the bright side and count my blessings, some days I just feel like dog doo-doo. A great psychologist friend of mine would tell me that it can be both: You can be grateful for life's gifts and feel like shit all at once. And I suppose that's just where I am.

Take this morning, for instance. I stayed up watching reruns until midnight - didn't even watch my favorite, Sex and the City. This seemed like a reasonable time to me since my alarm doesn't go off until almost 8 on summer mornings so I was getting the sleep this 40-something princess needs. The problem was my dear husband woke me at 6:15. He had something he just had to tell me, the dear. It couldn't wait. He got very close to my ear and whispered, "There's something wrong with the computer, honey." Huh? What? What's wrong?

"It smells like it's burning.

Bye. Have a good day."

Great. And good morning to you.

I managed to get him to unplug the whole power-bar thing before he left, so I could maybe squeeze in another hour of sleep without the thought of the whole system literally exploding. The problem with that, though, is that I have this very fancy power-bar thing that is battery operated to keep your system going during a power outage. And in order for the thing to let you know it's working hard, it beeps. Just like an alarm clock. Beep, beep, beep. 10 seconds later - beep, beep, beep.

Now, I'm a pretty heavy sleeper and I can tell you that I would have slept through that silly old beeping noise in a minute. I might have even incorporated the sound into my dreams like I had incorporated NPR's Steve Inskeep into a weird family camping dream the morning before. But the thing was that my cat, Felix, (click here to read more about Felix the Cat), had decided it was time for me to get up. And he is way more insistent than the computer's power-bar thing. Once he decides a person should be up, he becomes obsessed. And if the meowing next to my bed doesn't work, he'll jump up on my bed and nibble (OK, bite, really) my elbow. Or whatever body part is not unexposed by the sheets.

So, by 7 (I actually lived with the meowing and nibbling until then, I love sleeping in so much) Felix and I were downstairs fixing coffee and a plate of stinky cat food that he would, just moments later, reject. That was when I saw my clothesline full of soaking wet clothes that had been hanging out in the rain all night. Shit. Now we get rain. Near drought all summer. Dragging the hoses and sprinklers all over my property trying to prevent my grass from turning brown and all my beautiful flowers from dying and now it rains. I guess I should have been watching News 12, as local as local news gets, last night instead of the Seinfeld episode where Elaine pretends to be the janitor in a building across the street from her own so that she can order this fabulous crispy flounder from a local Chinese restaurant. (I know I've seen it at least 5 times already, but it is a funny episode. And Kristin Davis from the afore-mentioned SATC plays Jerry's love interest! An added bonus.)

So as happy and lucky as I feel that I have my health, my kids are healthy and generally happy, my husband has his job and we can pay our bills, and that our home is intact, some days are just tough. The summer weather has been beautiful and wonderful, but sometimes it rains - on your clean clothes. And sometimes your computer smells like it's burning.

Life is good. Life sucks. It can be both.

Summertime

The summer is going fast. Days are flying and the weeks are passing with somewhat out of control speed!

But I've already had three wonderful and memorable weeks, the memories from which will never be forgotton.

Our very first week of summer vacation was spent in Maine. We have traveled to Bar Harbor and Acadia National Park every summer for the past eight years. And every year we are fortunate to experience the same joys, and have new surprises!

The hotel pool is always the first destination when we arrive. After that, we took a foggy hike around Jordan Pond - one of our favorite places to spot wildlife.

We did many adventurous hikes this time - "scaling" cliffs and using ladders and bars to reach the summit. There was biking and shopping and swimming and eating of ice cream and sleeping late and even a parade and fireworks on the fourth. Here are some of my favorite pictures.

This was a wonderful start to a very full and exciting summer. What with my boy training for his Jr. Black Belt (yay! he's been at it almost 4 years!), my middle child trying ballet again after 5 years and lots of family time planned, I've hardly had to time to think about it. But once again, I realize how lucky I am.

Check back for pics from our 2nd exciting week, which included the Jamesport Fireman's fair, and from the 3rd week - a very special visit with my sister and baby niece. Gotta get ready for our next trip now. Family reunion in another part of Maine. I haven't even started packing and we're leaving tommorow!

'Night.

Playing the Building

My son, my husband and I took a trip into the city in June to meet one of his teachers at the Asia Society. It was actually his principal, who has a very deep love and interest in all things Japanese and she spent her lunch hours on Wednesdays with about 5 6th graders teaching them how to speak the language. One of the other boys and his father met us there too.

We had a nice time looking at the art, and then had lunch at a great Japanese restaurant. It was great to get to know the principal on a personal level and the food was delicious.

Afterwards, my husband took us all the way downtown to Battery Park to see an installation done by David Byrne called "Playing the Building". He had this organ hooked up with little tiny hoses to several different items in this huge space: Radiators, pipes, motors, and other things I can't remember.

The best thing about it was the space. What a great place to take pictures.

Feeling All Wrong

I'm on the fence about blogging these days. Wondering if it's for me any more. Doubting its value and importance.

It doesn't feel right, lately, to talk about, write about, stuff that's happening in my life. Maybe I'm concerned about how I'm portraying my loved ones in my posts. Maybe I'm taking it all too seriously. Maybe it is too serious.

I keep thinking the same thing, though: It doesn't feel right. I don't feel comfortable sharing the way I once did. Not the things that have been happening. And I guess there's little room left for witty observation of the whole thing...

It takes time and focus and energy. And all of that is spent on actually getting through my life. Nothing left for commenting on it.

I don't know. Maybe it will come back to me. Maybe the urge, the desire, the drive will return. And then I'll be moved to post something more relevant.

For now, it just doesn't feel right...

Exhausted

Everything I did today was depleting. Energy and emotions pouring from me. No time to think. No time to regenerate. Even my walk, which I snuck in furtively, was attached to an emotional conversation.

I had been feeling so “in control.” Of my eating, exercising, spending. In control of my time. My sister and I would plan out “purposeful days”. We talked about making choices and picking priorities and sticking with them cheerfully. Now, I realize, this is all gone. All gone up in smoke.

The issues I’ve been dealing with over the past two weeks are almost as trying as what I was experiencing last year at this time. One of my best friends died then, and in those early summer weeks I was trying to cope with her loss and deal with the weirdness of those who survived her. I was busy with end of school things then, too. And working hard to keep myself from falling into a full depression.

Now, though, the challenges are different. The emotions are more subtle. Last June I was purely and completely devastated. Lonesome without my friend. Stunned by her quick decent through that horrible illness. Distraught by the loss endured by the twin boys she left behind.

Today I feel confused.

But, I realize, the difference is this. I will get through these times. My sister will also get through it. It will end and their suffering will also end. Our lives have been turned upside down, but they will right themselves, I am sure of it.

My friend, however, will never return to us. I think of her every single day. Something she said pops into my mind every day. Something wise. Or silly. Or sarcastic. Or hysterical. Daily I hear her words, and I miss her.

I will be strong through this time. And in a few days my family and I will be in Maine on our annual vacation. I will do what I can before I go. But I just don’t think I can stay behind. The time together as a family, away from all the sadness and worry, is as vital to us as the clean air we will breath atop Cadillac Mountain.

I’m certain of it.

Disconsolate Heart

How do I even start again?

It's been so long.

And so much has happened.

I don't know why I took such a long break. I could list the reasons, but I'm afraid it will sound like a list of excuses. And now. Now. So much has happened.

It's all so personal. And I'm feeling kind of shy and protective right now. Maybe because I've been away so long, I don't know.

My confidence is shaken. Confidence in myself. Confidence in the world. Confidence in the divine spirit. Shaken. Terribly shaken.

I know that these experiences will make all involved stronger. I know that there is always something to learn from adversity and that every unexpected sorrow prepares you for the next one. I know that life is made up of trials and tests, deaths and births: Waves moving us up and down through the sea of our days. I know this with my head and with my body.

But my heart doesn't care for wisdom and thoughts. It won't listen to reason. My heart is weary tonight.

I must count my blessings now, and get some sleep.

Busy Bee

Not much to say and yet so much to say.

Life has been so busy that I haven't had the chance to comment on it. Sometimes I fill my plate just a little too high. OK, way too high. And I always feel obligated, committed to finishing the entire thing.

Lots on the plate these days. Family parties to attend, school budgets to pass, fund raising to plan, religion to teach, gardens to plant, a house to clean, and a great big communion party to prepare for. Plus the usual drama of raising children; trying to nurture and discipline all at once.

I have so much to comment on, so many conversations running in my head. But not enough time or energy to type them up and put them down for you here.

Maybe another time. Maybe soon.

Net Nanny

Net Nanny! Net Nanny! Goooo Net Nanny!!!

I found a program to block all mature/adult material. It really works! So far. I'm still on the 14 day free trial. But if things continue to go this way, I'm going to subscribe.

It's so good, sometimes I can't open my email on google because of some ads that show up along the sides of the email.


It's so thorough, it wouldn't even let me onto The Six Fingered Monkey without my password! That Net Nanny is really watching out for me!

Lament

I'm feeling a little down tonight. A little melancholy. A little sad. A little sorry for myself.

*sigh*

Spring Break

Oh my goodness. This past week has been the longest week I've had all year. All kids, all the time. Kids. Kids. Kids. Kids. All I can say is, sheesh.

Oh, and Whoo-Hoo!! (I can't believe Wamu was the first to think of using this as an ad slogan. It's perfect, if you ask me). It's 9 AM and they have all gone off to school and mommy is finally alone. Now I know I could never homeschool. I need my time to myself.

Don't get me wrong. I love my kids. More than anything. Really. And I am devoted and dedicated to their lives and making them happy. Maybe that's the problem. So much devotion and dedication can get pretty wearying, you know? Plus there's all the drama. This is a special feature of my own family that I'm pretty sure I can attribute to myself: Emotions, sensitivity, and a lack of resiliency (more on this at another time).

I didn't take one walk, one exercise class, or eat healthy at all. I saw one friend one time (our trip to Indian Island) but we couldn't talk, because my children were consuming all my energy and attention. (Well, to be fair, it was one child who was consuming me).

This past week we experienced: 3 play dates, (2 of which included dinner and one was a sleepover) at my house, a trip to Huntington, a trip to Peconic, a hamster lost (in the house) for several hours, no fewer than 5 temper tantrums, and a vomiting episode AT THE TABLE at a local restaurant. Oh, and a Riverhead K-9 police officer and his dog sniffing around our backyard!

I won't go into more detail, though I know it would be very funny - all of it, out of respect for my kids. The humor in it might be the only thing that kept me from hurting anyone. Let me tell you, the Adventures were abounding this week. And this old girl has had enough.

What am I going to do this summer? Sleep away camp, anyone???

Parental Advisory

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Day at the Beach

Well it's Spring Break, and we're definitely "breaking". No school, no karate, no dance, no meetings, no commitments.

Today we went to Indian Island Park with some friends and had some real spring fun. The trees are blooming (the buds really look like flowers at this point) the sky was blue and the water was actually warm!

At the beach there was this great big tree whose roots had eroded down the sandy bank, and had landed half in the water! The other mom bravely ventured out to the far limbs and we all followed her. It was so much fun.

One of the roots looked prehistoric. We couldn't decide if it looked more like an Apatosaurus or the Loch Ness Monster.

All in all it was a very nice day - good friends, good weather, good spot - what else could we ask for?

p.s. I didn't get the job. I was sure they would offer it to me. Sure it would be my decision whether to take it or not. I wasn't sure what I'd have said, but the rejection is a bummer.

Screen Turn-off: 2 Days In

This is a picture of the most cherished Screen Turn-off activity at Wading River Elementary School: The TV-off-the-roof ceremony. I didn't take the picture, but a teacher did and she printed it for me and I took a picture of the picture. I hope you can see what it is.

Monday morning started with the kick-off assembly and then the entire school - about 44o kids - stepped outside to watch as our principal and PE teachers climbed on the roof. The students chanted "Throw it! Throw it!" and the two men swung and then sent a donated, unusable TV crashing down to the pavement.

The symbolism is clear: Kill the TV. At least for the week.

Thus started our Screen Turn-off week. We have a great deal of participation this year. I haven't counted them all, but I think we have at least 125 contracts (commitments to go screen-free for the week). That's over 25% of the school. And that's more than I expected. I realize how hard it is to turn everything off. And many families don't want to commit.

Monday night, the teachers sponsored our 1st ever Family Math Night, with activities and math games for younger kids and a kind of math game show for 4th and 5th graders. It was attended by a small group and everyone had fun.

Tonight was our traditional "Gym Night". The gym teachers set up all their favorite activities in stations around the gym. They played Beach Boys music and the place was packed with happy, active children - NOT watching TV or playing video games.

Tomorrow night the librarian is running a Story Time - where a few of the teachers will come in and read their favorite books to the kids. Thursday and Friday night we have Bingo events with prizes and raffles and lots of fun.

Each school day there is a raffle (1 name is pulled from each grade's coupons for the previous day of being "screen free") and I wrapped up the little prizes (books, notepads, pencils, markers, games) in pretty cellophane and ribbons, which I think made it really special.

The whole event is sponsored by the PTA and I think it's one of the most important things we do as an organization at the school. It's really a group effort - parent volunteers, teachers, the principal and, of course, all the students.

I'll keep you posted!

Give Your TV a Rest!

National Screen Turn-Off week starts tomorrow, April 14, 2008.

This is a worldwide event sponsored by the Center for Screen-Time Awareness (http://www.screentime.org/) and celebrated by schools and families each year. Although the national Turnoff Week is officially scheduled for the following week, the elementary schools in the Shoreham -Wading River school district are celebrating the week of April 14, just before our Spring Break. How do I know this? Because I am chairing the event for the Wading River PTA.

During Turnoff Week, millions of children and adults will be turning off the screens in their homes. Instead of watching or playing games on the screen, they will read, exercise, and spend time with family and friends.

Children who reduce their screen time are more likely to read well and be physically fit. Recent research has also shown an increase in focus and attention when children aren’t watching TV. Turning off the screen also allows for more family time. In the course of a year, American children spend more time in front of the television than in school!

So, I challenge all parents reading this post to join us and turn off the screens. We've sent home copies of the the "No TV" icon to all families in our schools, as well as a contract for children and parents to sign. Can you commit too?

If you turn off the screens, you might find that your kids have more time, more energy and they might even listen better!

Let me know if you plan to try. Check out this blog http://www.unplugyourkids.com/tag/tv-turnoff-week/ for some inspiration. Or this website http://www.turnoffyourtv.com/ for something a little more radical.

Good luck!