The Big M

Can we talk about mammograms?

If you've had one, you know what I'm talking about. If you haven't, like my husband, then you really need to know what it's like.
Think of two plates of plexi-glass, situated at about chest level, which are controlled by an electronic vice. The vice pushes the plates together slowly, but persistently, so that the tissue between them is spread out as thinly as possible. Your breast goes in there.

First, though, the technician basically holds your breast and moves it into place. Yesterday, when I had my last one, it was very warm out. But your not allowed to wear deodorant or powder or anything, so, as my tech put it, "people keep getting stuck" in the wrong piosition. When this happens, the tech will basically peel your breast off the plate and reposition it.

Then, with your face pushed against the top of the machine, and your arm reaching across, you have to stay still while the vice closes. During this portion of the procedure, I like to watch the numbers on the electronic gauge as they quickly decrease. I take little guesses about when it will start to hurt, and when the vice will finally stop closing.

Then the technician says, "stop breathing." I'm not kidding. This is what she says. Apparently, if you breathe, the picture gets blurry and they have to repeat the whole process. So, I held my breath.

Then you're done. With the first picture. Of the first breast.

When the vice is released, you feel a little silly standing there so close to the machine, half naked, your gown hanging off one shoulder. But you can take comfort in the fact that very soon, and if she's good, very quietly, the technician will be handling your breast again.

I'm not complaining, or anything. I'm glad the procedure exists, considering how many women are getting breast cancer at such a young age. I'm just saying, man, it sucks. And man, we are pretty tough creatures, women, to go through this every year (for me it's twice a year).

Just imagine, for a minute, the same procedure for men's private parts. They already complain about handling during a doctor's exam, what if they had to endure the crushing?? It would never happen.