Limitations

The boy seems to be getting better, though not through medications. We see a chiropractor, whom I love and trust, but I don't think it's her either. What I do think is helping is this: I've been gradually removing pressure and stress from my son's life. Over the past week, with almost nothing to "worry" about, he has had zero headaches. Wait - there was one - a very short one that went away after a quick nap. But essentially, he has returned to the happy, confident 12 year old boy he'd been at the end of the summer.

So now the question is, how do we add back some of the stuff he's been missing, and still keep him healthy. I think I know the answer to that too. I think I've finally accepted this child's limitations. Attending seventh grade, staying organized and focused on 7 different classes each day, making his way home and through his homework is almost as much as he can do right now. I may not be able to add back the other stuff for a while. Or at least, only add one thing at a time. And that is OK.

He may also need some help with the social aspect of middle school as well. From what I hear, and I've had many many conversations about this over the past two weeks, seventh grade is the hardest grade in this school district for several reasons. Social pressure and changes are not the least of them. The transition from a nurturing single-teacher school day to several serious teachers, whom expect kids to be responsible on their own is another. The third is the actual workload. Although, without sounding too boastful, my boy has no trouble with the material. He's as bright as they come. And each of the 4 tutors he had here (the school district provides home instruction to students who miss an excessive amount of school. Who knew?) agreed with me. This is one smart boy. A great reader. Articulate, creative, curious, interested. He sees connections. He "gets it." So it's not the academics I'm worried about.

Last year we were worried that he didn't take enough responsibility. This year, he worries too much. He told me this week that I showed him how he "has to worry. Or things might go wrong." I said that? Yikes. That's another thing I've lifted off him this week.

What I've realized about my boy Jack is that, along with his limitations, this child has many outstanding talents as well. And once I can examine and accept both his talents and limitations, I can lighten up a little. I can truly love and respect him for who he is.

We all know about a mother's undying love and affection. But when the love and affection is mixed with worry and reminders of how to improve, I think a child can sense it. The better, truer love includes acceptance and respect for the whole person.

And that includes his limitations.

What's a mother to do?

My son's headaches were back again this week.

And now, on top of worrying about his health, worrying about how much it hurts, concern for how much school he's missed and what his grades look like, being persistent with doctors, insurance companies, and school administrators - on top of all that - I have to be worried about showing too much worry.

Several times this week, it was indicated to me, that the anxiety I'm feeling might actually negatively affect my son. That if he senses my anxiety, it might add to his own and this could be one of the triggers for the migraine.

So now I've got that to worry about.

All I gotta do, really, is just stop being me. Stop feeling nervous and worried and anxious and project pure peaceful serenity to my family. Maybe I could change the color of my eyes, too, while I'm at it.

Sheesh.

p.s. The picture was done by my son. The little caption says: "Hi. I'm Jack's Brain."

BARACK OBAMA ELECTED THE 44TH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!

Looks like Americans have chosen hope over fear. I couldn't be more grateful and satisfied. I have been waiting 8 years for this night.

This is an historic night for so many reasons.

Please read Arianna Huffington's words, which are so well constructed.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/arianna-huffington/obama-wins-why-all-americ_b_141159.html

Congratulations, Barack.

Congratulations America.

Give me a break

I don't want to give another direction. Or hold another hand. Or break up another fight. Or teach another thing. Or take candy away from anyone. Or read to anyone. I'm tired of listening to each child's dreams from last night or last week, or "one time, when I was really little." And I don't feel like looking at another picture, or lego guy, or bionicle. I'm sick of hearing "Scooby Doo" and "Sponge Bob" on the TV.

And I don't have anything left inside me to offer as comfort and respite to another person.

I spent the majority of this week taking care of my 12 year old son who lately suffers from unbearable and lengthy migraine headaches. All I can do for him is pump him with Ibuprofen every 4 hours, rub his back gently and then basically leave him alone in the dark in his room. I'm dealing with doctors and school administrators to try to get him some tutoring to help him catch up on all the school he's missed over the past 3 weeks.

Add to that the enormous pressure of Halloween. Not for my youngest. She's easy. And not for the oldest, he was in too much pain to care one way or the other about his costume, (although, I must say, on Monday, before the headache really kicked in, he was fretting quite a bit about how his dracula wig, "looked like anime hair.")

But mostly, Halloween brings stress in the form of what my middle child will wear. This year she had her costume all picked out for the past 2 months. When I say picked out, though, I mean in her head. She wanted to be a "teen witch" and had seen the costume in a catalog. We'd shopped for the wig (hot pink) and witch hat weeks ago. She had the tights and the gloves. What was missing was the clothes. And I was in charge of that. I failed miserably.

This child had to dress up for Halloween four times this week. That meant four opportunities for her to torture me and remind me of my failures. I don't know how I remained so calm. But I did. And for the most part, and compared to how things have been in the past, so did she. As you can see she was adorable.

Last night was the 2-hours long trick or treat jaunt that is kid heaven, and that is the bane of my life. I HATE trick-or-treating. I hate the idea of it. (Begging door-to-door for treats! We should be asking for votes for Obama if we're going to beg). I hate feeling envious of everyone's beautiful front porches. And I hate walking around behind a bunch of kids, calling, "remember to say Thank You!" every 5 minutes. And I HATE the candy afterwards. It makes the kids greedy and hyper and sneaky. And this is why today was the worst.

Add to that the fact that my husband has to work on Saturdays again. Things are tight. It seems he needs to work more to get the same amount of money. But I need my Saturdays, man. I need them. I need to get out and get away from the kids and be with my peeps or myself or my yoga teacher. I need to get away, man. And when I don't, I just feel like I'm going to scream.

So here I am hiding out in my bedroom. Today I dealt with birthday parties, homework, housecleaning (as a family) and I made dinner. I sat peacefully through dinner. But after about 20 minutes, when all the kids were swapping dream stories with their dad. And the volume was getting louder and louder, I realized I had to GET OUT. And I did. And I feel much much better already.

I know how important it is to do things for myself. I know this. I just don't seem to have the time any more. There is just so much to do. Three kids. School activities. Schoolwork. Parent organizations and committees. After school activities. Housework, shopping, cooking, household finances, trying to make ends meet! All of these things have to get done EVERY day. Add to that a sick child who has to stay home from school, and I'm over my limit. I've just gotta get a couple of hours of "me time" every day.

Or I'm sure I will explode.

My grandmother's pizza

One of my favorite local websites, NorthforkParents.com, is hosting a contest. In exchange for a "food memory", you get a chance to win 4 tickets to Baystreet Theater Kidstreet Production. A food memory simply retells some of your best and worst food experiences.

I thought I might share mine here. And if my story conjures up memories of your own, and you're a North Fork local, please hop over to NorthForkParents, and join the fun!

*****

My grandmother, "Nana Fanelli," was a wonderful cook. As a kid, my hands down favorite was her pizza. Nana's crust was home made and fresh and thick and bready. She used to slice the mozzarella, not grate it. And her sauce was made from the tomatoes she grew in her College Point, Queens garden. Add to that fresh basil, oregano, grated Parmesan and the best olive oil she could afford.

The pizza would be made well ahead of time, and would be sitting, still in the pizza pan, when we arrived at her house for a visit. She would always be waiting to feed us, and we were always too late for her liking. The moment we all piled into the tiny kitchen, Nana would slice the pizza up, with a pair of scissors, so she didn't "make marks in the pan." Even as a child I found this ironic, since her pans were as scratched and cut and worn-out as her own hands! But the picture of her thick, rough hands, using the scissor to snip a piece of the pizza for me to sample, is etched in my memory.

My mother cajoled the "recipe" from her while Nana was in her eighties and mom made it for us after Nana became to tired to do it herself. (Mom uses scissors too!) In recent years, I have memorized the recipe myself and I make it regularly for my kids. My youngest tells me, "The only pizza I like, mommy, is yours!"

I can feel Nana Fanelli smiling from above.

My new addiction

I've had some trying times these last weeks.

I'm tired, worn out, not sure how to go on. I knew I needed something to get me going again. I went to yoga. It was nice, and hard work, but that wasn't it. I went to a Jazzercise class. It was even harder. Still not enough.

I've been eating everything I can find. I've talked with friends. Went for walks. Listened to my iPod. Nothing was really helping.

I thought it might be time to write, but I am too damn tired to concentrate. Sigh... maybe I need to get in touch with my therapist again...

But no. Tonight I found my salvation. I found out you can watch full episodes of The Daily Show online- just one day after they air!

I know I'm VERY slow on the uptake. I know it's been around for years. But I don't have cable. I have never watched a show - snippets on YouTube here and there. But never a full episode.

Jon Stewart, where have you been all my life?

http://www.thedailyshow.com/full-episodes/index.jhtml?episodeId=188632

Spongebob Square Candidate

As I sit here and watch what they are calling a "debate", I am frustrated to no end about how much finger pointing is going on. No one actually answers a question, nor can anyone actually tell us how they themselves feel about a thing, because the focus is on what the other guy has done or has said or what they are responsible for. I'm so frustrated that I keep talking over the answers and making observations about the candidates' choice of necktie. My 12-year-old son just asked me, "Do you want to watch Spongebob?"

"I think we are watching Spongebob, Jack."

I would say this is a freaking joke, if it weren't so serious. Americans are asking intelligent, observant questions. And these men are giving us the same rhetoric of six months ago. Their platforms haven't changed at all, despite how deeply and quickly our economy has tanked.

And they just keep blaming the other and telling us what "he" did wrong and what stupid and naive thing "he" is saying. They don't even answer the questions!

"It's his fault!"

"No. HE did it."

Can't either of them just be a leader already? Can't they say something that they feel strongly and passionately about in a frank way withOUT going after the opponent's position. Their answers are repetitive, we've heard them before. Once a question is put to the candidates, they dance around like Patrick and Spongebob through the valley of doom.

Don't get me wrong, I still know who I am voting for. I am still pleased that George W. Bush will finally NOT be our president. And I still think I know which is the lesser of two evils.

But, come on. Even the better candidate is not the best candidate. I am longing for a real leader. These are historic times. We need an historic leader.