Small Gifts

Lately I've been blessed with a few small gifts.

The simplest was time. Time to do nothing. Time with my oldest friend on a beautiful fall weekend getaway. Time to slow down and relax with my family. Time alone. This is the commodity I miss most as a working mom. Without enough time, I find myself late for appointments, late to pick up the children, rushing from one thing to the next, often forgetting things along the way. Yesterday and today, I had very little scheduled. I was at leisure to get things done at my own pace, and had no deadlines. I caught up on paperwork, talked on the phone with a friend for an hour, had a leisurely dinner out with my husband, hung around the house with my kids and had a wonderful solitary walk - long enough to listen to a whole episode of This American Life.

Another gift I received this weekend, is the gift of my children. No - they haven't been away at a work camp since the last time I wrote. But last night I was able to see them a little differently. They are so smart and sweet and helpful. Funny, creative, insightful, and responsible. They are unique - as a group, and individually. I feel unbelievably proud of them today.

I seem to be blessed also, at this moment, with the privilege of hindsight. I attended a PTA meeting this week and I had a little realization - the kind of group that I was hoping to lead 3 years ago finally exists. The work I started with my leadership, seems really to have come around. What a gift to see progress made on something you care about and something you invested in. (I also have the gift of knowing and meeting so many dedicated women!)

There's more, like perspective and patience, the love of my family (which, though it never wanes, sometimes feels different), but I can't write any more now. My time alone is gone. But maybe the sweetest gift I got today was the beautifully scented roses that are still blooming in my yard. I cut a few and carefully placed them in a vase. Their scent is unbelievably cheering - despite the foggy drizzly weather. And today I had plenty of time to stop and smell them.

**Out of Focus**

I've been away for so long, I hardly know how to come back. I have an idea for a post, and I'm developing it in my head and in the margins of my Sudoku book, which is the only thing I seem to be able to focus on for more than 30 seconds at a time. My mind is so distracted and my thoughts so jumbled and my time so short, I can't seem to put the words together on paper - or on screen, I should say.

Funny thing - at work, I've been told, "You seem really focused." or "You have a way of really focusing on a task and getting it done." And I'm like, "What, me? Focused? Huh??"

Maybe I use up all my focus at the office. Very little left for home and even less for the blog.

More soon...

It's a mad, mad, mad, mad world.

Sorry I've been unavailable to update the blog in the past couple of months. Seems I haven't yet adjusted to the 20 hours of work (plus the almost 8 more I spend commuting). I love my job. I really do. I love the group of scientists and researchers I administer to. And my boss has to be the best boss on earth. Really. No exaggeration. Kids are good, though also trying to adjust. Husband's good - supportive as he can be while running a contracting business in this newly competitive market. He makes all the lunches now - and my coffee (VERY important). Sister is having her struggles (again), but I think she's over the hump. You wouldn't believe it if I told you. The poor girl cannot catch a break.

Here are some photos to update you and keep you coming back.

Would You Stop Pushing Me

I've been thinking about the way I "push" my kids. I am a "pushy" sort of mom. I push them to do their work and do well in school. I push them into activities they don't really want to do. I push them to help around the house. All reasonable requests, I feel. The problem is this sensation of pushing.

I want my kids to be more independent. More adventurous. More willing to do things for themselves. I want them to want to do well in school, participate, and help around the house. At least that's what I think I want. In reality, though, I am always there, just behind them, giving them that little pressure. How would I know if they could or would do it on their own? How would they know, for that matter?

Maybe I am afraid that they would fail. I know if I "leave them alone for 5 minutes," (said with a high pitched, high volume mom voice), chaos breaks out and there's some combination of food fight, prank phone calls and couch diving. That's an exaggeration. What happens, in reality, is that they get loud and silly and sometimes some one gets hurt. Then I come running down the stairs to yell at everyone. I wonder, though, what would happen if I gave it more than 5 minutes. Or more than one try. I wonder if my eldest might be the voice of reason, explaining to the others that it's not a good idea to play tag in the house, and the others listening and agreeing reasonably. Or something close to that.

Maybe I'm afraid they'll succeed, though. Maybe that's my bigger fear. Because then, they wouldn't need me as much. I'm pretty sure that would be OK with me, but there's a little voice down deep that doesn't seem to agree. It's a big change for me, too. I think I really need to sit down with myself and decide what I want more: kids who are independent, or kids who are needy.

I think I know the answer already...

The 44th president of the United States was sworn in today. Some Americans are skeptical - will it be the "same show, different channel?" I don't think so.

It is we, the people, who have changed this time, not just the Commander in Chief. We are more involved and more compassionate. We won't let another administration lead us along and let us down. We will do our part, because we are called to. And because we've sat on the sidelines and watched for too long. And because our president will inspire us to act.

The country chose hope over fear. I'm proud and I'm hopeful for our future.

Working Mama

Well, the newest chapter in my life has begun: I officially started work at SUNY Stony Brook today. No more SAHM here. (That's "stay at home mom" for those of you who don't know Urban Baby discussion board language). (Oh, and SUNY is the State University of New York). I've joined the ranks of mothers who bring their kids to school in decent shoes and wearing make-up, and then march off to the office, shop, job site, studio.

What an enormous change! Wearing make-up - at 8 AM! I'm a woman who walked my kids to the end of the driveway to put them on the bus, in her pajamas! It had gotten so that I actually drove - 4 miles away - to my son's school to drop him off, again, in my pajamas!

So now I have to dress well, leave the house promptly and have the kids do a lot more for themselves. I can't direct them through every step of dressing and readying for school. Jack has to take the bus - even the early bus, which comes at 6:55. No more rides from mommy. And everyone has to pitch in with breakfast dishes and feeding the cat.

It's too early to comment on the job itself. My first day started with no phone line, no email address and a desk piled high with piles of... I don't know what because I don't now what anything is. I even managed to spill a little coffee on my mouse pad. No one bothered me, though. I felt a little like George Costanza when he got that new job and had to pretend to be working on "The Pensky File." I kept shuffling papers around and looking busy, so in case anyone did stop in, it wouldn't look too bad. (OK, I'm exaggerating, but not by much).

I chalked it up to typical first day trials and left my office with a smile on my face.

Wait, where did I leave?

My Office.

That's what I thought I'd said. That feels pretty cool.

Holiday Blogging Blues

I am so lame for not posting for an entire MONTH! You all are lame to still be reading, if you ask me. But nobody asked me, so...

I've been so distracted lately. So much is going on. We got a new computer. AND printer. And the new microsoft office 2007, for which the learning curve is longer than any of the other stuff I've installed. (Did I use "learning curve" correctly? I hate that expression. I'm simply being lazy and again, lame, to use it so carelessly). I had to reload all my documents, music, pictures and I've been trying to organize it all. Then, a friend strong-armed me into joining facebook. Now that's a time-waster, dontcha know. But I had to upload all the photos, and find all the friends and all that important stuff.

Then there was all the Christmas shopping. I know that if you're a parent, you know how hectic and stressful this time of year can be. My fellow blogger, Six, touched on the "financial, emotional and physical stress" of the holidays. Amen, brother. I still can't believe how much money I spent on 3 people under the age of 13. I had to find the right things, and the an equal amount of them. I had to combine what they wanted with what I wanted them to have. It all takes such a toll on me, since no one really wants to emphasize materialism at Christmastime. Which is why I put so much energy into decorating and keeping up special family traditions. The whole thing drains me, I tell you.

Add to that the little fact that I got a job! I didn't actually start doing it yet, but I accepted a part time administrative assistant's position in the Chemistry department at Stony Brook University. It's exciting, if not terribly well-paying. We'll be able to get health benefits, which is HUGE for us. And I'm finally moving ahead with my plans to return to school someday. But I gotta tell you - I believe I was in shock for the first couple of weeks there. I could hardly get my head around going out to work after being a stay at home mom for the past 12 years. I didn't even tell anyone for the first few days. It's taken quite a lot of getting used to, and as I mentioned, I didn't even start yet!!

All this and kids home for two whole weeks leaves this Mama very little time to blog. And I can tell you that the wintertime blues are starting to set in for me as well. I've fed my inner core with very little good stuff so very little creative stuff comes back.

I realize these are all terrible excuses and I go back to saying how lame I've been for neglecting my little blog. But I haven't forgotten it, nor have I stopped loving it.

I promise to be more attentive in 2009. It will be one of my new year's resolutions.