I've been thinking about the way I "push" my kids. I am a "pushy" sort of mom. I push them to do their work and do well in school. I push them into activities they don't really want to do. I push them to help around the house. All reasonable requests, I feel. The problem is this sensation of pushing.
I want my kids to be more independent. More adventurous. More willing to do things for themselves. I want them to want to do well in school, participate, and help around the house. At least that's what I think I want. In reality, though, I am always there, just behind them, giving them that little pressure. How would I know if they could or would do it on their own? How would they know, for that matter?
Maybe I am afraid that they would fail. I know if I "leave them alone for 5 minutes," (said with a high pitched, high volume mom voice), chaos breaks out and there's some combination of food fight, prank phone calls and couch diving. That's an exaggeration. What happens, in reality, is that they get loud and silly and sometimes some one gets hurt. Then I come running down the stairs to yell at everyone. I wonder, though, what would happen if I gave it more than 5 minutes. Or more than one try. I wonder if my eldest might be the voice of reason, explaining to the others that it's not a good idea to play tag in the house, and the others listening and agreeing reasonably. Or something close to that.
Maybe I'm afraid they'll succeed, though. Maybe that's my bigger fear. Because then, they wouldn't need me as much. I'm pretty sure that would be OK with me, but there's a little voice down deep that doesn't seem to agree. It's a big change for me, too. I think I really need to sit down with myself and decide what I want more: kids who are independent, or kids who are needy.
I think I know the answer already...
3 comments:
This is very honest. I enjoyed reading it because I feel like this too at times. Thank you for sharing.
I also don't enjoy the sensation of pushing. I agree it needs to be examined from time to time and battles need to be picked.
i hate pushing and prodding. a lot of times i know that my daughter would have more FUN if she did what i told her to do, but she's a lot like me in that she is reclusive. i didn't learn to have fun until after high school, in college, and really maybe in the last 10 years. my son is A.D.D. so i have to push him to keep his train on track. it gets tiresome when he's not interested, doesn't care, wants off...
there's a gentle balance. i do know that my daughter is smarter than i am, i'm jealous of her in some ways (she's a great actress, fluent in german... things i wish i was at HHS back in 1984).
you'll get to a point in a couple years when you just look at them and say "okay, it's yours. you own it. good luck." and you'll step back.
good luck with it nicole.
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