Pressure

Well now that I've mentioned having epiphanies, I feel so much pressure!

But, as I try to put my feelings into words, I realize how deeply personal these feelings are. I haven't shared my new "dreams" about what I want to do and accomplish with anyone. I've just been formulating them in my own mind and I think I'm a little shy about sharing.


I wonder if there is some secret fear that if I voice this stuff, I might fail at it. I don't want this to be true, but the more I think about it, the more this seems to be so.


Am I embarrassed by my new dream? Does it seem vain and silly to have thought so much about myself this past week? This realization I made was a little bit like John Updike's A Prayer for Owen Meany. Like almost all the events of my life have been leading to one thing. To one accomplishment.


As I say it, it does sound silly to me. I can't help myself, I'm not comfortable sounding confident about myself. I always have this voice that questions my own convictions. Not about external things, just about myself. I can very comfortably challenge a member of the Town Board and feel sure about my arguments. But within my own psyche - there's always this nagging doubt.

The last time I had a dream I was completely confident in was when I decided to go to graduate school 16 years ago. I was going to be a teacher in the New York public schools and somehow change the whole messed up system. I was going to make such enormous improvements, somehow single-handedly, that minorities educated in the inner city would have the same level of education as their white suburban counterparts.

Yes I was idealistic. I was 23 years old when this dream first occurred to me. But I was certain that I could do it. And I countered negative comments with cheerful assurances that they were wrong, and I was right.

Well, things didn't exactly go the way I'd planned. My first job in the Bedford Stuyvesant neighborhood of Brooklyn was tough. Nothing I'd learned at Hunter prepared me for the pressure of assessments and there was little time for social changes once I'd planned every day to the minute. The principal was tough, and she seemed to have it in for me. But the biggest roadblock to my dream was this: halfway through my first year teaching 4th grade in Bed-Stuy, I became pregnant with my son. He was born in the summer, and after that I never went back to Bed-Stuy or teaching. And there the dream died.

This was a very difficult thing for me. I didn't even realize what a loss it had been for me until years later. But my dream had vanished. And now I know, however silly it might have been, that it can never again be realized. The passing of years, the mothering of children, the weight and pressure of personal responsibilities. These things pushed the glimmer of my old dream, or any other, far below the horizon.

So now, the thought of another dream, an ideal, a purpose for my life (other than being wife and mother and housekeeper) well, to be honest, is a little scary. It's going to require some courage to share it as boldly as I did back when I was a 20 something idealist with my whole life ahead of me.

Maybe keeping this one concealed for a while makes sense. Or maybe it's just wimpy.

Gone South

Just got back from a very enjoyable family vacation. We drove to St. Augustine, Florida where there was just enough sun, lots of palm trees and Spanish moss and a big, wide fine-sand beach. We had 8 full days of family togetherness. Nothing like a little sun and greenery to cheer you right up!

The drive was actually OK. I'd expected that I might feel inclined to want to turn around and smack everyone by the time we'd gotten to Virginia. But we took it easy and we had plenty of room (I will never make fun of a minivan with a luggage container on top again). I invested in a couple of those headrest DVD players and let my oldest play his DS the whole time. It all went surprising well. And after a late start, we made our overnight stop somewhere in the middle of North Carolina.

Next day we drove the rest of the way, but not without stopping at the famous "South of the Border" and then Savannah, Georgia. The kids loved the tacky South of the Border and my husband and I loved Savannah. We saw dolphins swimming up the Savannah River! By midnight we'd arrived at my in-law’s house in St. Augustine, Florida. Although we were tired, and their place is on the second floor, we couldn't be more giddy about arriving, mostly because it was 74 degrees! (And did I mention the in-laws stayed in New York?)

The week was warm and sunny and we saw alligators, pelicans, sea stars, stingrays and manatees (not all at the same time). I managed to have a pina colada and my husband practiced his guitar several times. All in all it was a really great and relaxing time.

Now I'm almost completely re-immersed in my old wintry over-committed life, though and I don't want to forget some of the epiphanies I made while hanging out in the warm weather: I'm no longer young, but I am exactly the age I should be. I am very very fortunate to have such great kids and such a great husband. Being in a warm climate makes it so much easier to be friendly. I think I've figured out what I want to do when I grow up. But this is for another post.

Now I have to get into my warm bed. It's so cold in here!!

For Valentine's Day

Ice Cream

Your love
is better than ice cream.
Better than anything else that I've tried
and your love
is better than ice cream
everyone here knows how to cry

and it's a long way down
it's a long way down
it's a long way
down to the place where we started from.

Your love
is better than chocolate
better than anything else that I've tried
and oh love is better than chocolate.
Everyone here knows how to fight

and it's a long way down
it's a long way down
it's a long way
down to the place where we started from.

Sarah McLachlan

Click HERE to see Sarah singing live

"Nothing Gold Can Stay"

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

My 11-year-old son read and studied this Robert Frost poem in school a couple of months ago. And once I re-read it, I really felt connected to it in a new way.

The last time I read or thought about the poem, or much of Robert Frost I'm afraid to say, was when I was in my 20's. That's when I had the time, frankly.

But this poem is written by and for someone of years.

Someone with wisdom. Someone who knows how quickly time passes and how much things change.

Someone's who's innocence, or idealism, is lost...

That's It?

No one else wanted to comment on my last post? I have information that you are reading, but you're not commenting.

Are you all trying to be uncontroversial? Or is everyone just not that interested?

I've been thinking about something. I was looking at the Times this morning and, aside from all the Super Tuesday primary stuff, there is other news going on in the world. Al Qaeda is still training terrorists. In fact, an intelligence agency made a report yesterday that they have reason to believe Al Qaeda might be training American citizens. They would be less visible and could attack us from within.

Also, more and more people are dying in Kenya, poppy farming is flourishing in both Afghanistan and Pakistan, and forty-four people (so far) have died in yesterday's storms in Alabama and Tennessee. This was just this morning's news.

Closer to home, we are almost definitely heading into a recession, the housing bubble has thoroughly popped and people are drowning financially. People here in my community who cannot pay their bills are losing their homes.

Add to that the state of my very own community school district. Our classrooms are too small and outdated, our roofs are leaking and the level of technology is woefully behind that of other Long Island Districts. At a school board meeting last night, our brave Superintendent presented the first draft of a budget proposal for the 2007-2008 school year. It will require increases in taxes. And people are already freaking out. But, as she so intelligently reminded us, our schools NEED the money to get up to speed. We either need to pay in cash, or pay with our children's future.

Also yesterday, I heard that the great governor of New York, Hon. Eliot Spitzer, (man, I've never felt so regretful about a vote I've cast) is close to making a decision about the Broadwater Liquid Natural Gas facility proposed for the Long Island Sound. And I understand that he's leaning toward supporting it. He is the last hope for the Anti-Broadwater coalition, and he's letting his LI constituents down.

What the hell is our Sound going to look like if we set a precedent with Broadwater?

All this on my mind this morning. All these things. And I'm thinking, I'm raising three children in this world. This messed up, stressed out, over-taxed, over spent, dangerous, polluted, globally warm world.

What can I do?

I thought a while about this - there is really only one thing I can do. I can fight. Ok, there are other choices. I could close my eyes, shut the blinds, stop reading that fricken newspaper and, for goodness sake, stop going to all those meetings. I can sit on my money and my things and try to protect the status quo and hope that everything "out there" goes my way.

Ignorance is bliss, right?

Wrong. What I need to do - what we need to do is to get involved. The presidential primaries are very exciting this year. Part of the reason is that they are so close. But part of the reason is that people are into it! People are involved. They're attending rallies, asking questions and sending letters.

And I, for one, am inspired

The time to get involved, be informed, and be heard is NOW. We can't wait any longer. All this strife in our world, both locally and globally, is, to me, a call to action.

So maybe instead of my kids growing up in a world of fear, sadness and trouble, they will grow up in a world of activism.

I can live with that.

Madam President

I do like the way that sounds. I can't help myself. I am a huge fan and I believe Senator Clinton is the best candidate for President of the United States.

I agree with her opinions and feelings about education, (children should be inspired to learn as individuals, not taught through tests), healthcare, (everyone would have the opportunity to join the congressional healthcare plan, if he or she choses), women's rights (she is pro-choice and pro-family), ending the war in Iraq, our standing (both economic and social) in the international community and the environment.

In fact, I agree with almost everything she says.

Add to this that she is a passionate, strong, and clearly intelligent person who cares much less about being liked and accepted than she does about doing what she feels is right.

I will admit it, the fact that she is a woman comes into the equation for me. This is a candidate who understands what it is like to be a mother. This is a candidate who, perhaps, feels things just as much as she thinks about them. This is a candidate who maybe, just maybe, will be able to solve our problems without force and violence.

To read a more eloquently worded argument as to why she is the right candidate for women click here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/martha-burk/why-hillary-is-the-right-_b_84718.html
Don't forget to vote in the primary on Tuesday February 5.

Be a part of history!