Thanksgiving Misgivings

I woke this morning with a feeling of "free floating anxiety," a term coined by one of my best friends, who is now no longer with us. I was both tense and tired, as I realized how much there is left to do before the big holiday feast.

But I quickly thought of two things that I must repeat to myself all day.

1. The more tense I am, the more I seem to procrastinate and that in turn makes me more tense and worried. I must FIGHT this cycle and I must fight it all day. If I can break this, I will be able to get more done.

2. It is selfish to worry about what is on my plate, when others have so little. I am fortunate to have a big family who loves me, a big-enough house to host them all and a warm and generous husband to support me through it all. I have spent a lot of holidays over the years feeling sorry for myself. This is not the way to honor our fore-fathers and -mothers and it is not a way to show gratitude to our Creator. I will also fight this feeling and express gratitude in the form of enjoying my holiday and the time leading up to it.

Oh, there is one more thing: I am easily distracted by the computer and the phone. I will need to log off this sucker and turn the phone ringer off. I will call folks later, to wish them a happy holiday, when I have more time. Right now, I will focus on what I have to do, and try to enjoy the fact that I am able to do it.

Happy Thanksgiving to all of you! Have a great one!

Limitations

The boy seems to be getting better, though not through medications. We see a chiropractor, whom I love and trust, but I don't think it's her either. What I do think is helping is this: I've been gradually removing pressure and stress from my son's life. Over the past week, with almost nothing to "worry" about, he has had zero headaches. Wait - there was one - a very short one that went away after a quick nap. But essentially, he has returned to the happy, confident 12 year old boy he'd been at the end of the summer.

So now the question is, how do we add back some of the stuff he's been missing, and still keep him healthy. I think I know the answer to that too. I think I've finally accepted this child's limitations. Attending seventh grade, staying organized and focused on 7 different classes each day, making his way home and through his homework is almost as much as he can do right now. I may not be able to add back the other stuff for a while. Or at least, only add one thing at a time. And that is OK.

He may also need some help with the social aspect of middle school as well. From what I hear, and I've had many many conversations about this over the past two weeks, seventh grade is the hardest grade in this school district for several reasons. Social pressure and changes are not the least of them. The transition from a nurturing single-teacher school day to several serious teachers, whom expect kids to be responsible on their own is another. The third is the actual workload. Although, without sounding too boastful, my boy has no trouble with the material. He's as bright as they come. And each of the 4 tutors he had here (the school district provides home instruction to students who miss an excessive amount of school. Who knew?) agreed with me. This is one smart boy. A great reader. Articulate, creative, curious, interested. He sees connections. He "gets it." So it's not the academics I'm worried about.

Last year we were worried that he didn't take enough responsibility. This year, he worries too much. He told me this week that I showed him how he "has to worry. Or things might go wrong." I said that? Yikes. That's another thing I've lifted off him this week.

What I've realized about my boy Jack is that, along with his limitations, this child has many outstanding talents as well. And once I can examine and accept both his talents and limitations, I can lighten up a little. I can truly love and respect him for who he is.

We all know about a mother's undying love and affection. But when the love and affection is mixed with worry and reminders of how to improve, I think a child can sense it. The better, truer love includes acceptance and respect for the whole person.

And that includes his limitations.

What's a mother to do?

My son's headaches were back again this week.

And now, on top of worrying about his health, worrying about how much it hurts, concern for how much school he's missed and what his grades look like, being persistent with doctors, insurance companies, and school administrators - on top of all that - I have to be worried about showing too much worry.

Several times this week, it was indicated to me, that the anxiety I'm feeling might actually negatively affect my son. That if he senses my anxiety, it might add to his own and this could be one of the triggers for the migraine.

So now I've got that to worry about.

All I gotta do, really, is just stop being me. Stop feeling nervous and worried and anxious and project pure peaceful serenity to my family. Maybe I could change the color of my eyes, too, while I'm at it.

Sheesh.

p.s. The picture was done by my son. The little caption says: "Hi. I'm Jack's Brain."

BARACK OBAMA ELECTED THE 44TH PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA!

Looks like Americans have chosen hope over fear. I couldn't be more grateful and satisfied. I have been waiting 8 years for this night.

This is an historic night for so many reasons.

Please read Arianna Huffington's words, which are so well constructed.
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/arianna-huffington/obama-wins-why-all-americ_b_141159.html

Congratulations, Barack.

Congratulations America.

Give me a break

I don't want to give another direction. Or hold another hand. Or break up another fight. Or teach another thing. Or take candy away from anyone. Or read to anyone. I'm tired of listening to each child's dreams from last night or last week, or "one time, when I was really little." And I don't feel like looking at another picture, or lego guy, or bionicle. I'm sick of hearing "Scooby Doo" and "Sponge Bob" on the TV.

And I don't have anything left inside me to offer as comfort and respite to another person.

I spent the majority of this week taking care of my 12 year old son who lately suffers from unbearable and lengthy migraine headaches. All I can do for him is pump him with Ibuprofen every 4 hours, rub his back gently and then basically leave him alone in the dark in his room. I'm dealing with doctors and school administrators to try to get him some tutoring to help him catch up on all the school he's missed over the past 3 weeks.

Add to that the enormous pressure of Halloween. Not for my youngest. She's easy. And not for the oldest, he was in too much pain to care one way or the other about his costume, (although, I must say, on Monday, before the headache really kicked in, he was fretting quite a bit about how his dracula wig, "looked like anime hair.")

But mostly, Halloween brings stress in the form of what my middle child will wear. This year she had her costume all picked out for the past 2 months. When I say picked out, though, I mean in her head. She wanted to be a "teen witch" and had seen the costume in a catalog. We'd shopped for the wig (hot pink) and witch hat weeks ago. She had the tights and the gloves. What was missing was the clothes. And I was in charge of that. I failed miserably.

This child had to dress up for Halloween four times this week. That meant four opportunities for her to torture me and remind me of my failures. I don't know how I remained so calm. But I did. And for the most part, and compared to how things have been in the past, so did she. As you can see she was adorable.

Last night was the 2-hours long trick or treat jaunt that is kid heaven, and that is the bane of my life. I HATE trick-or-treating. I hate the idea of it. (Begging door-to-door for treats! We should be asking for votes for Obama if we're going to beg). I hate feeling envious of everyone's beautiful front porches. And I hate walking around behind a bunch of kids, calling, "remember to say Thank You!" every 5 minutes. And I HATE the candy afterwards. It makes the kids greedy and hyper and sneaky. And this is why today was the worst.

Add to that the fact that my husband has to work on Saturdays again. Things are tight. It seems he needs to work more to get the same amount of money. But I need my Saturdays, man. I need them. I need to get out and get away from the kids and be with my peeps or myself or my yoga teacher. I need to get away, man. And when I don't, I just feel like I'm going to scream.

So here I am hiding out in my bedroom. Today I dealt with birthday parties, homework, housecleaning (as a family) and I made dinner. I sat peacefully through dinner. But after about 20 minutes, when all the kids were swapping dream stories with their dad. And the volume was getting louder and louder, I realized I had to GET OUT. And I did. And I feel much much better already.

I know how important it is to do things for myself. I know this. I just don't seem to have the time any more. There is just so much to do. Three kids. School activities. Schoolwork. Parent organizations and committees. After school activities. Housework, shopping, cooking, household finances, trying to make ends meet! All of these things have to get done EVERY day. Add to that a sick child who has to stay home from school, and I'm over my limit. I've just gotta get a couple of hours of "me time" every day.

Or I'm sure I will explode.