The weather is wet and cold and I've decided to take a page from Nan's book and build a fire. We have a fireplace in our kitchen and it is one of my home's most beloved attributes. After reading a sweet Henry and Mudge story about sitting by a fire at the end of a winter day, I was convinced. Of course, as with everything in this household, building a fire is not a simple endeavor. I've often wanted folks to realize how hard I work building my fires. There was a time a few years ago when our heating system wasn't always reliable. With 3 small kids in the house, and the man 40 miles away at work, this pioneer woman had to fend for her family. Talk about keeping the homefires burning! Once in a while, on a particularly windy and frigid day, the boiler would "go out". And the kitchen fire was our only source of heat.
We never had dry kindling (still don't actually), so I'd have to build it gently and patiently with newspaper and cardboard from the recycling pile and scrounge around for some spare strips of 2x4's next to the table saw in the garage. Once it seemed hot enough, I'd throw the smallest log I could find right on top. I'd feel so proud when the flames encased the log. As I'd stand up and wipe my grubby hands, my chest would puff out and I'd bask in the glow (literally) of my accomplishment.
But after a few minutes, most of the time, the smoking and hissing would start. Because our wood never seemed to be dry enough. So I'd attempt to rekindle it from the bottom again, stuffing tightly crumpled paper underneath the grate, trying to ignite another scrap of wood. And thus it would continue. And eventually it would be roaring. I couldn't let it die out though. Then I'd be in big trouble.
Ah. Good times.
But that was then. Now, I have a fire for pleasure. And since the sky is so gray, and many of the trees have gone bare, I needed a source of brightness and color. So I started my work. It's burning pretty well now. I need to poke it once in a while. Rearrange things. I love the way it re-ignites when you do that. A fire is an amazing thing.
So I'm hunkering down at the kitchen table with my laptop and my roaring fire. I have dinner started in the slow-cooker and the whole day ahead of me. I've decided it was time to write something new and I'd have to avoid the phone and other trappings so I could focus. Plus, I have to work on my blog layout. I messed around with it last night, and I thoroughly messed it up! So here I am - hunkering down. Hunkering.
Oh my goodness. I am at a loss. I think "hunkering" means like sort of "hunching" one's shoulders into or away from something. Hold on. How 'bout I look it up.
At Thefreedictionary.com I found this:
1. To squat close to the ground; crouch. Usually used with down: hunkered down to avoid the icy wind.
2. To take shelter, settle in, or hide out. Usually used with down: hunkered down in the cabin during the blizzard.
3. To hold stubbornly to a position. Usually used with down.
OK. So I'm mentally squatting down and taking shelter from the outside world. From the rain and cold and gloom. From external interruptions. And I'm stubbornly holding this position.
It's kind of comforting, this hunkering down state. But at the same time I'm feeling so restless and nervous. Maybe I've had too much coffee. Maybe I need some excercise. Maybe it's just my inner-wiring that's telling me I'm not being productive enough. Feeling guilty and inefficient. Shouldn't I be cleaning? Or organizing? Shouldn't I have started my Christmas shopping? At least made a list? What else is nagging at me? Oh yes. Laundry. Never ending laundry.
Why do I have such a hard time relaxing? Maybe it's because I am at my place of employment. I am, after all, a full time mother. My job is to take care of the kids, the house, the finances. I check the mail, pay the bills, stock the cabinets and fridge, make sure everyone has something to wear, make sure everything is neat and clean (most of the time and with help), meet the teachers, oversee the homework and prepare most of the meals. Oh, and I gather and buy the gifts and "make" the holidays. I'm sure I'm forgetting something else, too. So, this home is my office in a way. And maybe I can't ever completely relax here.
Over the weekend, I did lots of relaxing. But none of it here. On Thanksgiving the whole family (my parents, my sister and her family and my kids and husband) took a long leisurely walk in Peconic near my folks' house. We were gone for hours and I really enjoyed the sights, the weather and the company. I was really in the moment.
Then Saturday and Sunday my husband and I had a little getaway. It was my birthday present: A day of wine-tasting followed by a night at the Jedidiah Hawkins House. What a wonderful time we had. I enjoyed the wine, the views, the Inn, the delicious food. I didn't worry or feel guilty about anything. We reconnected over breakfast at the Inn and a long walk through South Jamesport. I was truly relaxed.
So maybe that's why I'm feeling kind of tense right now. My "to do" list is floating in the air in over my desk in the kitchen, right near where I'm sitting. And although the fire is roaring and I'm hunkered down against the elements, I'm not completely within this moment.
But at least I'm aware of it! AND I composed a new post!!
Mission accomplished.
8 comments:
I interrupted reading your post after the part about fire building. I had to throw more wood in the stove! Keep those home fires burning indeed. Been there. Still there.
It sounds like you suffer from the same insecurity about being a stay-at-home-mom as I do. Women used to take it for granted that we'd do the homemaking and mothering and community building. Somewhere along the line, I got the idea that I am supposed to be doing something else, and I end up feeling conflicted sometimes, as you are today. All of those things you're fretting about, I can relate to.
Of course, homemaking and mothering and community building (and keeping the wolf away from the door in the form of bill payments) are very important things. It's just that they're not paid, nor well respected by society I may add. It doesn't help that children can be ungrateful and you have to spell everything out for husbands. Meanwhile, the difference between me and the average Hollywood babe is about a million light years apart and growing. And people wonder why women spend so much time on the phone! Well, except me. I just hunker down.
I'm glad you had a nice holiday and a great time with your husband in the North Fork's epicenter of epicurean ecstacy.
Exactly - not paid and definitely not well-respected, except by us girls.
Man, you do get it: ungrateful children, confused confused husbands, and hot hollywood chicks. It's so nice to be understood. Makes blogging all the nicer.
"Epicenter of epicurean ecstacy." That's funny!
I love the post, but I especially love the part about the house being your office and not being able to relax.I think that is my problem too. I am here working all day and then at 5pm (which is 10pm), where do I go after work? Where is my relaxing oasis? I tell my husband all the time when he complains about coming home to another job (he leaves one and has to come home to do another one), I tell him that at least he leaves his "true" main job/office at 5pm, and gets lunch breaks, drives in the car, peaceful moments alone, shopping trips alone to wherever he wants. And when he comes home, what work does he really have? Boy, if I said that, he'd really get mad. But it's true. I am the one still cooking, cleaning, making lunches, homework, appointments with my son (which is everyday in my house). My husband comes home and does whatever he wants at his own pace, even alone.
Ok, sorry about that rant. I am feeling a little out of sorts this week and very under-appreciated around here.
Thanks for validating in a post what I, you, and the million of other moms do everyday; us Mommy's need to stick to together! Ok, my 5 minute coffee break is over.
Yes. Our husbands get to do things alone. Isn't that something?
I must say, though, after doing this for 11 years, it does get easier once all the children are in school. And I have actually relaxed a lot - I don't put nearly as much pressure on myself as I used to. Things are messier and husband and kids do some of the laundry.
But the part about being at work 24/7 that's the part that gets me. this is why I have to take breaks - vacations, weekends, a day in the city. Alone or with the family. Getting out of "the office" helps a lot.
I agree, it does get easier once they're in school, I don't feel quite so uptight, and it's good to just get away, too. I'm working on being more absent even when I'm present now.
Ugh, those first few years are such a learning curve and there is so much pressure!
As a mom, you get a certain amount of post traumatic stress syndrome from preventing the death, dismemberment, and failures of each family member throughout those first years. You get conditioned to being a little nervous all the time, and it takes your nerves well into retirement and several cruises with dancing and booze to recover.
You get to feeling like a mom so much of the time that you forget you're a fabulous person, a hot woman, somebody's best friend, an available neighbor, a working person, an artist, or whatever else you are, etc. And there are so many shoulds and demands and expectations, I don't even know where most of them come from, but a good many of them can go right out the window as far as I'm concerned.
Very tricky business.
I know very little about the stay-at-home mother stuff.. but...
you did trigger an old memory. My parents didnt have much money so keeping the heat down at night was crucial. We would bundle in bed and in the evening, after our showers (we were still young) we would race to the livingroom where mom had our wood burning stove roaring and a warm clothes that were toasting next to the fire waiting for us.
Its a warm... "hunkering" sort of memory LOL. love it!
Nan says "As a mom, you get a certain amount of post traumatic stress syndrome from preventing the death, dismemberment, and failures of each family member throughout those first years. You get conditioned to being a little nervous all the time, and it takes your nerves well into retirement and several cruises with dancing and booze to recover."
OOOOHHHHH, Crusies, Dancing AND Booze, I will be counting the days, months or rather years until I am there! I haven't been on a cruise in at least 10 years, I forgot how a week at sea with lots of wonderful experiences and lots of those little umbrella drinks, will completely reduce the stress. Sounds good to me! :-)
wow I have so much to say to this post, but it is all said in the post and comments. Wow do I agree, and I like the way it was written.
Post a Comment