March is here and I can’t say I’m sad to see winter on the run. I’ve always had ambivalent feelings about the month that comes in like a lion and out like a lamb. I’m glad when it arrives, feeling the excitement of spring around the corner. Sometimes even prematurely taking out the summer clothes. Only too often I’m disappointed with a big fat snowstorm smack in the middle of the END of the winter. Then I pout a little, but the flowers pop through within weeks anyway, and I get over it.
My middle daughter, my first baby girl, was born on March 17, 1998. Ten years ago. This, for me, is an enormous milestone. Ten years.
It cannot be ten years. I remember the days leading up to her birth so well – that familiar spring feeling was in the air and I went walking with my baby son and my mother every day trying to pass the time (and trying to bring on labor – I was due on the 12th!). I didn’t find out the sex of my 2nd child, even though I had the 1st time around. I felt wiser and calmer and wanted to be surprised. I went to the hospital at about 12 midnight and I was about 200 times more in control than I’d been that first time. The labor was manageable and after only one or two dramatic outbursts, my baby girl was born at 8:00 AM. I can remember how it went and how I felt – in detail. I hadn’t expected to feel as emotional as I had when my son, my first child, was born, but I was completely overwhelmed when the doctor said, “… and it’s… a …girl!”
A girl! My own baby girl!! I was silly, tired and a little drugged. “Daddy, we have a girl,” I slurred. I grinned. Tears streamed down my face.
I remember how when they placed my baby on my chest, she kept looking past me, up at the handsome doctor who’d just delivered her. And at her daddy. And I kept whispering, “Hi. Hi, baby girl. I’m your mommy.” And within seconds she was crying at the top of her lungs and everyone was laughing. They took her to clean her up and weigh her and poke her foot and do all the crazy things they do to newborn babies, and I felt a little sad, but I knew it was going to be ok. I had a baby girl. A daughter. I was overjoyed.
My life has never been the same.
It snowed a few days later, I believe. And I pouted that the weather wasn’t nicer for our baby girl’s arrival home. But that’s March, and I did get over it and I remember Easter came very early that year too.
Last year my baby girl niece was born on March 8th. Another reason to celebrate and feel happy during this sometimes tumultuous month. I was there at the hospital with my sister when that little bundle came into the world and once again I was overwhelmed and changed. Being an aunt has affected me almost as strongly as being a mother. But in a different way. It’s hard to explain. I remember when my sister tried to express it when my children were born. The woman you feel closest to in the world, the woman you’ve known since you were a baby – she has a baby. And it’s like you have another little piece of your sister only you can hold it and cuddle it and love it in a whole new way.
So this March we have a lot to celebrate, and this is one of the reasons I’ve been MIA for a while. Planning birthdays, shopping, repainting my son’s little wooden table and chairs to pass down to his cousin. All good stuff.
But March is also a busy month at school. The older kids have math assessments. There’s the elementary school science fair (which we always participate in, although it is voluntary). Also, my beautiful 10 year old baby girl will perform in an “Evening of the Arts” in a couple of weeks where she’ll have the opportunity to play her flute in a more intimate setting. We also have parent teacher conferences.
It’s also budget time in the school districts. What with inadequate state funding and population growth, many school districts will feel the crunch for the next fiscal year. Our district is in particular need and there’s a lot to be addressed. I have lots of meetings to attend at night and our PTA is trying to get involved in the planning process this year.
(Addendum to a prior post: I was asked a couple more times about running for the school board. Wooed and flattered (in a manner of speaking). Just today one of the current board members again asked me if I had thought about it and I told her a definite no. After discussing it briefly with my family, I had the distinct impression that support from home would not necessarily be forthcoming. Plus I decided that any good I might be able to do would not be worth the hassle and stress being a board member so clearly entails. It only takes a couple of board meetings to see exactly how things go. I would either kill someone, or they would try to kill me. Maybe next year).
Anyway, things here are good and busy and I’m looking forward to the next two weekends of birthday festivities. I haven’t forgotten about my “dream”. In fact more things seem to be falling into place. I’ve only shared it with one person. And I think it went pretty well. It’s not something that I can accomplish quickly, but I would like to get something in motion by the beginning of April. I’ll keep you updated.
I had a very wise and mature thought today, and I thought I’d share it.
Life is not about trying to avoid bad things from happening. Life is made up of what you do with bad things when they do happen.
First thing this morning I found out that a very silly and careless thing that I said had gotten back to the person whom it was about. My first reactions were guilt and regret. Then I spent a little time trying to go over all the ways that I’d screwed up. What I’d said. Who I’d said it to. How thoughtless I’d been. I tried to re-run it without all the mistakes. It’s like what my 7 year-old says, “I wish I could rewind time. Then I wouldn’t do that again.” I know the feeling very well.
But a little later I realized there was nothing I could do about it. There really was nothing, the way the situation was. I couldn’t even apologize because the person who told me wasn’t supposed to. It occurred to me that any further discussion of the issue could only make it worse.
Ultimately the thing that came to mind was this: I can’t change what I’ve done. I’ve got to live with it and see what happens. I’ve got to incorporate it into my life. And the way I do that reflects who I am. Regret is worthless. Anger eats away at your soul, shortens your life and it doesn’t change anything. My choice was to try and let it go and to be aware of this person’s feelings from now on. It’s all I can do.
I just got home from a long school district meeting and although I'm thoroughly exhausted from my day, and from this budget discussion meeting, I'm not quite ready to go to sleep.
