Exhausted

Everything I did today was depleting. Energy and emotions pouring from me. No time to think. No time to regenerate. Even my walk, which I snuck in furtively, was attached to an emotional conversation.

I had been feeling so “in control.” Of my eating, exercising, spending. In control of my time. My sister and I would plan out “purposeful days”. We talked about making choices and picking priorities and sticking with them cheerfully. Now, I realize, this is all gone. All gone up in smoke.

The issues I’ve been dealing with over the past two weeks are almost as trying as what I was experiencing last year at this time. One of my best friends died then, and in those early summer weeks I was trying to cope with her loss and deal with the weirdness of those who survived her. I was busy with end of school things then, too. And working hard to keep myself from falling into a full depression.

Now, though, the challenges are different. The emotions are more subtle. Last June I was purely and completely devastated. Lonesome without my friend. Stunned by her quick decent through that horrible illness. Distraught by the loss endured by the twin boys she left behind.

Today I feel confused.

But, I realize, the difference is this. I will get through these times. My sister will also get through it. It will end and their suffering will also end. Our lives have been turned upside down, but they will right themselves, I am sure of it.

My friend, however, will never return to us. I think of her every single day. Something she said pops into my mind every day. Something wise. Or silly. Or sarcastic. Or hysterical. Daily I hear her words, and I miss her.

I will be strong through this time. And in a few days my family and I will be in Maine on our annual vacation. I will do what I can before I go. But I just don’t think I can stay behind. The time together as a family, away from all the sadness and worry, is as vital to us as the clean air we will breath atop Cadillac Mountain.

I’m certain of it.

Disconsolate Heart

How do I even start again?

It's been so long.

And so much has happened.

I don't know why I took such a long break. I could list the reasons, but I'm afraid it will sound like a list of excuses. And now. Now. So much has happened.

It's all so personal. And I'm feeling kind of shy and protective right now. Maybe because I've been away so long, I don't know.

My confidence is shaken. Confidence in myself. Confidence in the world. Confidence in the divine spirit. Shaken. Terribly shaken.

I know that these experiences will make all involved stronger. I know that there is always something to learn from adversity and that every unexpected sorrow prepares you for the next one. I know that life is made up of trials and tests, deaths and births: Waves moving us up and down through the sea of our days. I know this with my head and with my body.

But my heart doesn't care for wisdom and thoughts. It won't listen to reason. My heart is weary tonight.

I must count my blessings now, and get some sleep.